I've Got Summink to Say

Tag: fiction

  • Don’t worry Prof. Moncrieff

    You’ve got nothing to worry about Joanna, It’s true that my family are the hardest, nuttiest, family ever which is why we were always the very best at what we did, but other people are brilliant too and I got played for a fool as well but what you have to know is if I die I was the one the King wanted to die so you were just part of the plan and you’ve nothing to worry about, your life is in no danger as long as you just carry on being yourself and everyone knows mistakes happen and lessons get learnt so give me a bell when you want.

    You have to understand a lot of the most brilliant people in the world are scared of me because they know I’m also the most intelligent person that has ever lived so far and that makes me the most dangerous person in the world so I just hope they think I’m useful enough to keep alive and thinking. I actually solved Fermat’s last theory and now there are three theories of the origins of the universe instead of two.

    Frankly the best I can do is put me best whistle on, toddle off to London and pay my respects old skool stylee.

    If you really fantasise about having a lesbian threesome just go to a G.A.Y bar and try one, no one gives a shit about what sex you enjoy as long as it’s legal and consenual. I decided to just try and fulfill all my fantasies and If you’d known me when I was living on my yacht even the Russian mafia got pissed off with me because 4 of their most beautiful prostitutes decided to have 5 of my kids because those women understand that most Englishmen are either too scared, too old, too drunk or too violent to appreciate a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. The only one they thought I might be was too drunk and I never was, even after 10 pints.

    Here’s one foe Sharky Steve:

    If any any of you are still worried eat a tuna sandwich and if you want to laugh out loud loud drink a couple of pints of orange juice.

    Back Later…

  • An Ode to George Orwell

    Good evening my small band of disciples, after a slightly fractious assessment with my Psychiatrist I appear to have managed to get my medication cut in half from low to very low so there appears to be some cause for cheer. I’ve had a few small vodkas but I’m not drunk and fancied writing something tonight but didn’t know what. My original plan to suggest men and women shouldn’t wear scent on a first date but should instead rely on natural hormones doesn’t appear to be backed up by science so instead I’ve decided to try my hand at writing a short story.

    There are some very talented writers on WordPress and I won’t claim to be counted amongst them but I had a lot of fun when I tried a bit of simple scriptwriting and I paid for the privilege with hard currency so I’m reserving the right to free speech here.

    So here it is, a short story in the style of 1984 titled:

    Comply, Conform, Cooperate

    The day started normally enough for Derek Simpkins, the alarm sounded at 6.00am sharp and he rubbed his tired eyes as he rose and prepared himself a breakfast of juice and cereal.

    After freshening up with a shower Derek put on a newly pressed work uniform; today was an important day, he was going to find out if the editor was pleased with the article he’d written for the Authority periodical. He’d been given free reign to write and had based his article on a conversation he’d had with his father when he was a child.

    “When I was growing up we had freedom of speech” his father had told him. Derek knew how important freedom of speech was and how the Authority guaranteed it for all citizens.

    Just as Derek was putting his pass on his uniform the emergency siren sounded and Derek heard the safety bolts automatically slot into place on the exits to his premises and heard the quiet motors of the safety shutters as they slid down to cover the windows.

    Wondering what the alert was for this time Derek turned on the information portal in his room to be met with an increasingly familiar warning ‘Subversive activity detected in your zone. You must remain inside until safe’.

    This was the third time in the last year that Derek’s zone had been locked down due to subversives. The first time was shortly before his partner Adam had been promoted to an out of zone role working in the Crypto mine. Fortunately the security authority was excellent and the threat was usually extinguished by the end of the day.

    There was only one thing to do, join the multitude playing the Nation’s favourite multiplayer game of strategy ‘Comply, Conform, Cooperate’.

    Logging on Derek noticed that he was now on level 3 ‘Social Acceptance’. The first mandatory task was to read the lengthy instructions on how to complete the level before joining the game.

    It took Derek around 4 hours to complete the level and his final assessment informed him he was in the top 10% of all participants, his usual rank.

    Wondering what to do next and when the subversive activity would be quelled Derek used his mobile portal to check his credits. Noticing he had been debited three days of his monthly allowance for the cost of Comply, Conform, Cooperate he consoled himself that it had kept him occupied until early afternoon and went to prepare himself lunch. He was hoping this lockdown wouldn’t last as long as the second one which left him without food for two days before the all clear was given.

    Fortunately around an hour after lunch the all clear sounded and Derek used the opportunity to video chat with the editor.

    “Sorry old bean” started the editor “we didn’t publish your article but don’t despair we really like your style and want you to write an article reviewing Comply, Conform, Cooperate. You can take the rest of the day off work but remember to start first thing tomorrow at 8.00. We can’t pay your allowance for today, Authority policy.”